Chaos. Panic. Disorder.
Confusion.
Some days the way seems so clear, laid out before me in a nice straight line, neatly paved and clearly marked… just waiting for Toto and me to start skipping along merrily.
And then there are the days like today. Too many people at too fast a pace, too many things in too little space, staring down the dark labyrinth of a Manhattan sewer line. The end result of putting too much of myself (or maybe just enough) into all the people immediately surrounding, putting out there all (or all I can manage) of the things I feel they deserve from me - friendship, love, sometimes intimacy. Feeling pain for people so far removed from me, they have no idea I exist. Experiencing joy and pride in my friends for their successes and happinesses. The unrealized expectations towards my former partner, in regards to how our children are raised. Looking around my home, mentally noting all I wish to change, to purge, and fantasizing how nice it would be to just strike a match, watch it burn, roast marshmallows over the flaming remains of my own domain. Knowing that screaming frustration within every fiber of my person, the one that comes from seeing the art in my head, hearing the words that write across the back of my mind, and no longer being able to translate them from there to paper… hands stubborn, fingertips clumsy, head full and heart heavy.
To sleep, perchance to dream… let it carry me back to the first thing I saw this morning, staring out a friend’s bedroom window at the snow-covered fields of a long-unworked farm, rising sun teasing through boughs of wintersleep trees… remind me to breathe.
