Light Dawns On Marblehead

While randomly surfing the web last night after the little ones were asleep, I stumbled across something interesting. At first, reading it was merely a point of curiosity, as the various workings of the human mind intrigue me. Always have, hopefully always will. However, as I read further, I became more and more disturbed…. nausea took root in my stomach, and I found myself starting to hyperventilate. It wasn’t until I consciously noticed this - the onset of an anxiety attack (a common occurrence these days) - that I realized exactly what I was reading: a synopsis of my marriage.

Suddenly, things began to make so much more sense. Things I failed to understand before, things I could not comprehend. All my “whys” and “what happeneds” and “how did things become this ways” suddenly coalesced into one glaring, painful answer. In the time it took to read from one end to the other, I went through so many emotions - hurt, despair, frustration, anger, sadness, fear, panic - and finally settled upon… relief.

Relief that I did not just hallucinate things that happened. Relief that I did not imagine things that were said behind closed doors. Relief that I was not crazy for hurting so much over the last 3.5 years. Relief that my confusion for so long was not only genuine, but an appropriate response to its precursors. Relief that I am, indeed, probably very normal and healthy for not only feeling better (not guilty) in finally being away, but also for being nervous and skittish about even the passing notion of entering something new.

Real damage was done. I see that now. And it will take time for that damage to be corrected, for the emotional scars and bruises to fade.

And in the between time… I feel so sorry for the person who has been tapped to fill my shoes.

~ by J. on September 3, 2006.